Tina Knowles shared what it was like being married to Beyoncé and Solange's father, Mathew Knowles.

This post deals with sensitive topics like suicidal ideation, pregnancy loss, eating disorders, addiction, sexual harassment, grooming of minors, and sexual abuse. Read with caution and take care of yourself ❤️. 

"Of all the memories from all those hours, it is the one that still floors me... it’s like a knife through my heart... It was the saddest moment of my life," she recalled. "It will always live with me. All I ever want is for her to know how sorry I am, how lost I was and how I will never, ever abandon her again.”

"I had lost so much weight after the surgery, and my body was so frail. I still had to walk red carpets during that time, and when I look back at pictures, I can see how skinny I was. Too skinny. And too much in denial. But it's like I've said before, sometimes I did whatever it took to show up and get the job done ... even if it was to my own detriment.

For years, I never grieved losing my first baby. I didn't know how to, but I eventually learned. I had to speak to that baby and acknowledge their existence. I had to forgive myself and know that what had happened wasn't my fault, that I deserved to be a mother, and that I was ready to bring a baby into this world down here.

"Kerry in college was a hot mess... and bit of a wild child," she added. "But it's halfway through college that I started asking for help. In some ways I'm really grateful for Kerry in college because hitting bottom the way that she did, she opened the door for a lot more healing for me."

"I still have that messaging in my brain at times, that I'm not enough or that I should look better," she wrote. "But I also can choose other thought patterns now."

He also explained that his marriage to Sheree was off to a "rocky start" because he found himself "desperately yearning to see and speak" to Stockard. He added, "I was like, 'Oh no! What have I done?' That was my last experience with method acting, where you're reprogramming your mind. You're actually playing around with your psychology. You teach yourself to like things and to dislike things. It is a really dangerous place when you get good at it. But once I had that experience, I was like, 'No more method acting.' For Six Degrees, I wanted to perform well so badly that I was spending six and seven and eight days in character before shooting, and you have to be careful with that."

She and Dwyane welcomed their child Kaavia in 2018 via surrogate. 

She added, “Drugs were going to touch you, period. You could use them, you could sell them, but there was no being in an environment like that and drugs not touch you. And I'm not saying that it's right, of course, now being in a whole different mindset. But when you're living in a war zone and you just thinking about survival, I wasn't trying to use drugs. I surely wasn't going to be a drug dealer's girlfriend. But I wanted money so that I could be independent. I wanted to take care of myself.”

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is 1-800-931-2237; for 24/7 crisis support, text “NEDA” to 741741.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here. 

Dial 988 in the United States to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Lifeline is available 24/7/365. Your conversations are free and confidential. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.